


glee but they have phones volume two

by TheSubtextMachine



Series: Glee+Phones+Modern Antics [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anniversary, Background Poly, Like? Tina is a LESBIAN, M/M, References to Alcohol, Social Media, Teen Partying, Tiktok liberally discussed, communication about feelings, includes my assorted headcanons on the ND kids, the ongoing search for internet clout, they are in love!!!, very drabble-y, will probably make more sense if you read the first one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24077572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSubtextMachine/pseuds/TheSubtextMachine
Summary: A sequel to "glee but they all have phones", the first chapter covers how Blaine reacts to the new pairing, Kurt and Bas talk about feelings, and Sebastian's sister finally gets reality tv night with the two of them. Subscribe to see other social media hijinks!
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Series: Glee+Phones+Modern Antics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737103
Comments: 115
Kudos: 351





	1. Chapter 1

**Blaine Anderson’s Facebook**

Update: [clown emoji] [clown emoji] [clown emoji]

COMMENTS:  
Thad Westerson III: sorry

Update: The entire New Directions unfriended me at ONCE. All within the span of a minute. They are insane.

COMMENTS:  
Wes Huang: Oof… let’s hope they don’t bring that coordinated energy to regionals lol  
Justin Achebe: So what I’m hearing, Blaine, is that you’re single…  
Blaine Anderson: Sorry Justin, I’m still in love with Kurt. This is not over.

-

**Warbler Council Group Chat**

Wes: [screenshot of Blaine’s most recent comment]

David: WHAT

Thad: Wait are we as the council allowed to get involved in Warbler love triangle drama

Wes: Does it say anything in the handbook??? David check it

David: I don’t think the founders of the Warblers anticipated this kind of drama  
David: I can check though

Wes: Should I send this to Kurt or Seb?

David: absofuckinglutely not  
David: Sebastian hasn’t even said the L word to Kurt yet, he doesn’t take it lightly

Thad: Is he planning to? OMG has he said the L word about Kurt to you???

David: That is way above your security clearance

Thad: HE HAS, HASNT HE  
Thad: Sebastian Loves Kurt!!!! How did we not see it coming. Iconic. Breathtaking.

Wes: I think there are more pressing things at the moment than wondering if/when Sebastian is going to tell Kurt that he loves him  
Wes: Namely that Blaine says he loves Kurt and that it’s “not over”

David: What do you think he has planned

Thad: Knowing him?  
Thad: Serenade

David: How do we stop a serenade in its tracks??

Wes: do you think he wouldn’t have learned his lesson after the Gap attack???

Thad: Absolutely not

David: Okay, so we can either try to keep him from doing the serenade, or allow him to do the one and use that to make it clear that nothing is going to work. We can warn Sebastian and Kurt in advance, encourage Blaine to bring out the big guns, and make sure he gives this one his all and then let it fail

Thad: I vibe with the second. If we just keep him from doing this one, it’ll never stop, he’ll keep trying to figure out a way in  
Thad: How many Warblers do you think we can get in on it?

David: Everyone on the doc, for one. I think everyone there is reliably Team Kurtbastian. Also, the New Directions can help.

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram**

6:30  
[Image Description: Kurt, asleep in the passenger seat of Sebastian’s car.]  
Caption: Look at this fucking dweeb. He fell asleep in my car bc we’re supposed to be in Columbus at 8 in the fucking morning for this show choir convention… I’m going to get him coffee from the drive thru because I’m a #goodboyfriend

COMMENTS  
Nickyhateschexmix: But do you know his coffee order??  
Sebbastard69: @nickyhateschexmix Fuck yeah I do. I also know what he likes to have for breakfast in drive thru scenarios. He’s my favorite person, of course I know these things.  
Smythe.melissa.jane: @sebbastard69 you made such a mistake by letting me follow this account. Favorite Person???? Mom is going to LOVE this

-

**The Warbler Facebook**

Update: [picture of the Warblers in front of Columbus’ convention center, arms around each other.]  
Proud of the Warblers who are representing us at the National Show Choir Convention! Go rock them… and maybe drop a couple bars along the way...

-

**TwitterThad and Sebastian’s Texts**

Thad: have you said the L word to kurt yet?

Sebastian: Lesbians?  
Sebastian: Lice?  
Sebastian: Laugh Out Loud at your stupid ass name?  
Sebastian: Yes to all of the above

Thad: Deflection, I see…

Sebastian: Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you have to talk like a Bond villain

Thad: Anyway, do you have a plan for how you’re going to tell Kurt that you love him??

Sebastian: I figured I’d just tell him when I feel like it

Thad: OR you could say it and fuck over Blaine at the same time.

Sebastian: …….  
Sebastian: Despite my better judgement, I’m intrigued

Thad: So Blaine wants to serenade Kurt, and I recommend that we let him, so that when he’s done, he gets stonewalled by Kurt, and you stand up and say “well I have a song of my own”, and then Kurt feels so wooed, y’all drop the L word, and Blaine realizes that you two are serious

Sebastian: I want to check with Kurt first, but it sounds very good, the way you say it  
Sebastian: I texted Kurt, he said that he’s down to sabotage the serenade with the sappy romantic stuff. Do you have a song in mind?

Thad: maybe a song that has personal significance to the two of you?

Sebastian: Hmmmm i’ll check my Kurt playlist

Thad: YOU HAVE A WHOLE PLAYLIST  
Thad: I want to see

Sebastian: No. Have a nice night!!!

-

**Melissa’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[image description: A picture of the screen, with the title of “The Bachelor” on it]  
Caption: It’s Bachelor night with the homies! And by homies I mean Seb and his bf.

Snap 2:  
[video description: Sebastian and Kurt on the couch, cuddling a bit. Transcript below.  
Kurt: How would I describe- I feel nervous, definitely.  
Sebastian: Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand during the scary parts.  
Melissa (from behind the camera) what scary parts?  
Kurt: Like, when they kiss or something.  
Melissa: How about you, ‘Bastian? Any thoughts?  
Sebastian: Considering that I watched the last two seasons with you too, I know what to expect. I’m excited for Kurt’s commentary, though.  
Melissa: Not mine?  
Sebastian: Of course I look forward to that too, even if you have the trashiest taste.  
Melissa: Bold words! But can you back them up?]

Snap 3:  
[image description: Kurt fully wrapped up in the blanket, with Sebastian leaning on his shoulder. He has a bowl of popcorn in his lap that Sebastian has his hand in.]  
Caption: During the introductions, upon seeing her face, name, and career, Kurt keeps yelling “love her!” or “hate her!”

Snap 4:  
[image description: Kurt holding the popcorn away from Sebastian, who’s trying to reach for it without disturbing his position]  
Caption: Kurt’s punishing him since Sebastian said he sounded like an emperor choosing a wife

Snap 5:  
[Video description: the Bachelor giving away the final rose]  
Caption: WHAT???? Why give it to fuCKING AMBER??

Snap 6:  
[image description: Kurt and Sebastian clearly asleep on each other]  
Caption: They are not as bothered by this turn of events as I am. 

-

**Sebastian’s Google Search History**

-How to say I love you in a cool way  
-When is it too early to say I love you  
-how to make google results more helpful  
-how to know what song your romantic rival will be singing

-

 **Phone Call**  
Tuesday 9:29PM-11:01

Kurt: Sebastian… I hope you’re calling to amend your Lindsay B. apologist behavior.  
Sebastian: She literally has done nothing wrong!  
Kurt: That you know of! She gives me the most rancid of vibes-  
Sebastian: Kurt?  
Kurt: Yeah?  
Sebastian: I was going to tell you tomorrow during the serenade, but sometimes I feel so- like, I just need to tell you, I’m tired of waiting, and google searching, I just need to talk about it-  
Kurt: Sebastian, you’re rambling, is everything okay?  
Sebastian: (light laughter) It’s more than okay, Kurt. I’m in love with you.  
Kurt: You- Sebastian, are you saying-  
Sebastian: You don’t need to say it back. I’m just so in love with you that I need to tell you, because you’re the person in my life I share good things with, and- it’s- this is good. This is so good, _you’re_ so good, and I-  
Kurt: I love you too.  
Sebastian: And I love you too.  
Kurt: Wow, how original, stealing my ideas now?  
Sebastian: (laughing) But I said it first! You’re the plagiarist.  
Kurt: I bet I thought it first.  
Sebastian: Okay, when did you first realize it, then?  
Kurt: That I was in love with you? Second date. I remember we went to your house, watched some dumb movie, made out for a while, and then fell asleep together. I remember waking up, looking at you drooling on my pillow and I just thought, wow. I love that idiot.  
Sebastian: I have you beat, then.  
Kurt: When did you realize, then?  
Sebastian: tThat’s going to be a secret for now. I gotta keep you hooked.  
Kurt: I love you, I’m the definition of hooked.  
Sebastian: Sorry, secret for the time being. In other news, when I tell you I love you after serenading you, I need you to act like it’s the first time we said it, okay? Thad was scheming, I don’t want to ruin his fun.

-

**Warbler Meeting Notes**

3:00: Meeting commences. Notes from the previous meeting are read.  
3:05: Blaine stands up and announces that he has a song that he mUsT sInG, and as planned, the council unanimously allows him to sing.  
3:06: Serenade is stalled because he has trouble working the instrumental track.  
3:06-3:10: Blaine sings “Canyon Moon” by Harry Styles, full theatricality blazing. Kurt is smiling politely (as planned), Sebastian looks murderous (not explicitly planned but expected)  
3:11-3:13: Blaine gives a speech on why he and Kurt belong together, and before Kurt answers, Sebastian stands up and asks the council for a chance at a “rebuttal”  
3:14-3:19: Sebastian+Warblers sing “Lay All Your Love on Me”. It is EPIC!!! Kurt joins in!  
3:20-3:23: Sebastian is giving his own speech and I am crying in the club. He and Kurt are smiling at each other and look misty eyed, which, same but FUCK ThEY SAID I LOVE YOU!!! They did it!! The GROWTH  
3:24: Blaine says that Kurt needs to choose. The Response??? “Sebastian, obviously. Did you not see any of that? We’re in love.”  
3:25: Wes tries to resume official Warbler business but Blaine storms out and nobody is focusing so we just chill. Sorry Wes!

-

**Sebastian’s Spam Instagram**

5:18  
[image description: The picture from Kurt’s old story when they went clubbing, the one in the mirror.]  
Caption: Yeah we gay, keep scrollin. Also If Kurt gets to 500 instagram followers I’ll leak our playlist!!! Give him the insta clout please

COMMENTS:  
Jeffyloveschexmix: I’m pretty sure I could find it without getting my friends and family to follow Kurt though  
Sebbastard69: @jeffyloveschexmix Or you could skip the work and help a twink out! Ever think about that?  
Jeffyloveschexmix: @sebbastard69 love has made you too powerful  
Sebbastard69: @jeffyloveschexmix It’s the love!


	2. Chapter 2

**Twitter**

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
Not to get political but currently on a campaign to make @evans.mcconaughey tiktok famous at all costs

Sam Evans @evans.mcconaughey  
@sebastard.official at least link my tiktok. Fucking lazy activists.

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
@sebastard.official @evans.mcconaughey yes!! Roast him king!!!

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
I’m dating my own cyberbully, not clickbait :(. Love him tho <3

-

**Glee Group Chat**

Tina: Why is Sebastian only supporting Sam’s tiktok success? I could use a free shoutout…

Finn: wait tina you have a tiktok??? Why didn’t you tell me

Rachel: Finn, you literally follow her.

Artie: also tina doesn’t need a shoutout you easily have the most followers among us

Sam: Tina has 2k followers, i doubt that Sebastian’s 13 will help  
Sam: and here I am, chilling at 300, struggling, and Tina won’t give me a shoutout

Tina: not my fault that I’m talented and wildly successful

Brittany: that Kesha song is so old why are you guys still talking about it

Puck: If we can get Sebastian to follow all of our accounts do you think we could fuck with him

Rachel: We will not be pulling a prank on Kurt’s new boyfriend. Their relationship could still be fragile.

Finn: lol  
Finn: they are not fragile, they’ve already said “love” and also have been friends forever  
Finn: and Kurt doesn’t have to know about what we pull

Tina: Tiktok pranks are lame  
Tina: Let’s just get Sebastian to farm clout for us  
Tina: I’m sure if he followed our accounts he’d get invested

Rachel: We are not taking advantage of Sebastian!

Quinn: OMG what if we started gearing our content to him  
Quinn: Like, we made stuff that we were certain he’d like and repost

Sam: He already likes me best anyway

Artie: that’s bc he hasn’t seen mine yet

Finn: That’s bullshit, we all know I’m his favorite

Rachel: No, I am, I was instrumental in getting him and Kurt together

Finn: So was I!

Mercedes: Me too, probably

Santana: I’m his favorite, he laughs at my jokes

Brittany: wha does any of this have to do with ke$ha im so confused

-

**Sebastian’s Snapchat Story**

Snap 1:  
[image description: selfie of Sebastian, just laying in bed]  
Caption: the entire New Directions has followed me on tiktok so I think it’s my duty to publicly review their accounts

Snap 2:  
[image description: screenshot of Sam’s account page (326 Followers)]  
Caption: Sam, aka @heyysam: 10/10, he’s hot, he’s funny, so bad they’re good impressions, and general good vibes. Follow or you suck.

Snap 3:  
[Image description: screenshot of Quinn’s account page (24 Followers)]  
Caption: Quinn, aka @quinn832479874: 3/10, there’s one post, but it’s a video of Brittany talking, which is very funny if you’ve met her. Clearly only meant for friends to see.

Snap 4:  
[image description: screenshot of Tina’s account page (2835 Followers)]  
Caption: Tina, aka @tina.on.tiktok: 10/10, funny posts, has a really good cover of “Nobody” by Mitski that rightfully went viral, and does it all. 

Snap 5:  
[image description: selfie of Sebastian, doing an exaggerated smiley face]  
Caption: Kurt won’t let me publicly review his even though my rating is 10000000000/10. This is so sad. Why even review the accounts anyway??? 

-

**Glee Group Chat**

Tina: [picture of the “was nobody going to tell me” meme edited to say “was nobody going to tell me that Kurt had a tiktok account or was I going to have to find that out from Sebastian’s snapchat myself]

Santana: you’re lucky, at least he reviewed yours before stopping

-

**Mercedes’ Facebook**

Update: Whoever knows Kurt’s @ on tiktok needs to hand it the fuck over. 

COMMENTS:  
Sebastian Smythe: Communication with Kurt is privileged, sorry  
David Grant: KURT HAS A TIKTOK???? I need this  
Santana Lopez: I’ve been looking for it in my contacts list but he isn’t on it???  
Kurt Hummel: shut up about my tiktok shut up about my tiktok shUT UP ABOUT MY TIKTOK  
Sebastian Smythe: sorry babe, there was no way I could expect the public outrage

-

**Tina’s TikTok**

Video description: Tina speaking to the camera, holding up a printed picture of Kurt. Transcript below.  
Tina: If you have seen this man on tiktok, please drop his @ in the comments. He’s one of my friends, but he’s keeping his username a major secret, and I need to know. If you follow him or something, please please please tell me, I beg of you.

COMMENTS:  
Lena.corrinne.cosplay: do you, by any chance, listen to girl in red  
Lego.man: idk who he is, but is he single?  
Junebugpixiecapricorn: yeah, total stranger, but definitely a twink. Idk if that helps you or not

-

**Kurt’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[Image description: a picture of Sebastian sitting on the Hudmel bathroom floor, holding up gloves with hair bleach on them]  
Caption: I’m going to bleach a strip of my hair!!!!

Snap 2:   
[video description: selfie style with Sebastian mid-dying Kurt’s hair, with disco music playing]  
Caption: Loving the look already!! That may just be because I have a hot guy super close to me, but I’m enjoying it anyway

Snap 3:  
[image description: Kurt doing a silly “model pout” with foil in the front of his hair]  
Caption: Imagine being this attractive. I couldn’t.

Snap 4:  
[image description: Kurt, with his hair bleached and dried, albeit it looking more orange than white.]  
Caption: the clout was not worth it.

-

**Tina’s Instagram DMs**

Janegayzey: Hey, I saw your post, and I think I have that mystery twink’s @

Tina.cohen.cool: I NEED IT

Janegayzey: the hair is a bit different, he posted a video about doing it? He does these funny vlog-ish videos  
Janegazey: BUT before i share it can you answer a question

Tina.cohen.cool: I’d give you my first born

Janegayzey: Not necessary, but do you listen to girl in red

Tina.cohen.cool: Why does everyone keep asking me that???? The answer is no, I haven’t checked that band out yet

Janegayzey: wait so you’re not gay? Damn shame

Tina.cohen.cool: no I am gay I just don’t listen to lots of music?? I have a few artists and I just tend to listen to them. What does girl in red have to do with that??????

Janegayzey: idk it’s like a lesbian band??? It’s just a not weird way of asking girls if they like girls I didn’t come up with it

Tina.cohen.cool: valid, can you tell me his @???

Janegayzey: lol sure it’s @falwfat

Tina.cohen.cool: falwfat???

Janegayzey: yeah it stands for “fuck andrew lloyd webber for all time”, apparently his boyfriend converted him to hating the composer? Idk. he and his boyfriend are cute tho

Tina.cohen.cool: He and Sebastian are so cute, I’ve seen them in person  
Tina.cohen.cool: Can confirm that they are in love in real life too, their getting together story was hilarious!!!

Janegayzey: well spill it sis!

-

**Twitter**

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
Whoever leaked my tiktok, your mom’s a hoe

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
@kurtelizabethhummel Proud To Announce that it was not me!!!!

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
@sebastard.official I know it wasn’t you, if it was you would’ve told me immediately because that’s how we roll

Santana Lopez @satanlopez  
@kurtelizabethhummel @sebastard.official Shut Up or I’m going to be homophobic again. Sick and tired of these gays flexing their healthy relationships. Grow up.

-

**Tina’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[image description: a bowl of cake batter]  
Caption: Making a cake to celebrate 3k!

Snap 2:  
[image description: the cake in the oven, beginning to bake]  
Caption: NeverMIND bI’m celebrating because Kurt just hit 500 and I’m celebrating for him now

Snap 3:   
[image description: another shot of the oven, still in the progress of baking]  
Caption: Never mind, apparently he and Sebastian are celebrating with, according to Sebastian, “a makeout sesh worthy of a bonafide celebrity”?? When am I gonna get these kisses I’m 6 times the celebrity

Snap 4:  
[image description: the cake, out of the oven, cooling on the counter]  
Caption: I think I’m going to use my tiktok fame to get some kisses. Sebastian says he and Kurt will help. #gffortina

Snap 5:  
[image description: the cake, iced with the words “thanks for 3k!”]  
Caption: at 4k I get the gf. Signal boost.

-

**Kurt and Sebastian’s Private Text Messages**

Kurt: So… are we getting Tina a gf or?

Sebastian: In the name of gay lesian solidarity? Yes

Kurt: The things you do for LGBTQ solidarity….

Sebastian: Shut up you love that about me

Kurt: I do, but never repeat it  
Kurt: I have a reputation to maintain! They can’t know that you make my heart flutter

Sebastian: I make your heart flutter? Don’t make me blush I’m going to act up….

Kurt: Act up! Do it!

Sebastian: Okay. I love you.

Kurt: Oh, I love you too

Sebastian: We’re both acting up

Kurt: Send me to the fucking principal’s office every day for the rest of my life if loving is acting up

Sebastian: U r a poet <3

Kurt: I think I should be offended if someone who can’t even type out the full word calls me a poet

Sebastian: Maybe ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Twitter**

Santana Lopez @satanlopez  
Can’t believe that twink inspired Brit to bleach her hair

Santana Lopez @satanlopez  
For those unaware, @kurtelizabethhummel bleached a strip of hair and now my platinum blonde gf is doing it

Santana Lopez @satanlopez  
This is why I think twinks shouldn't have rights send tweet

-

**Sebastian and David’s Texts**

Sebastian: okay okay this is so embarrassing

David: I’m already in love with it. Obsessed. I’ve subscribed and smashed that like button.

Sebastian: next week is me and Kurt’s one month anniversary of the night we got together and I want to do somethings special

David: Only one month? It feels like a lot longer

Sebastian: what even is time.  
Sebastian: Anyway how do I do something romantic???

David: You’ve been doing a pretty good job so far

Sebastian: But idk how to do anniversaries this is my first  
Sebastian: How do I keep from being too cheesy or not cheesy enough??

David: I want an example of extremes on both ends of that spectrum so I understand what your metric is

Sebastian: okay. Too cheesy is that I give him a bouquet of flowers bigger than his head, have a candlelit dinner, call him the love of my life, and then we ~make love~ on a bed of roses. Not cheesy enough is that I ignore the anniversary altogether.

David: Candlelit dinner, say happy anniversary, give him a blowjob. Problem solved. Just avoid roses

Sebastian: How many candles tho  
Sebastian: I feel like one candle might be too sparse but having too many would make me very phantom of the opera and that’s not the tone I want our relationship to strike

David: uhhh three roses?

Sebastian: How are you a romantic genius

David: wait do you even have three candle holders

Sebastian: Fuck I do not  
Sebastian: We have a menorah?

David: That’s not the move

Sebastian: Kurt’s turning me into a new man  
Sebastian: I’m going to Crate and Barrel tomorrow to get some candle holders   
Sebastian: Words I never thought I’d ever say

David: Does C&B have good candle holders though

Sebastian: fuck i dont even know Kurt’s taste in candle holders

David: ask him?

-

**Kurt’s Facebook**

Update: Looking for opinions on the best Crate and Barrel near Lima… Sebastian needs candle holders and since I’m an expert designer we’re going together so I can help him pick, but I don’t want to go to a lame location. 

COMMENTS  
Will Schuester: My ex wife loved Crate and Barrel, maybe ask her?  
Sebastian Smythe: Do not know which is more entertaining: the fact that Kurt’s former teacher is Facebook friends with him or the fact that said teacher is recommending Kurt talk to his ex wife  
Will Schuester: It’s not weird! Being part of my student’s lives is how I teach.  
Carole Hudson: The one on Boca St. is pretty nice! Do NOT go to the Lewisville one, even if it’s close.   
Artie Abrams: why does Sebastian even need candle holders???

-

**Warblers Group Chat**

Kurt: for the record, Mr. Schuester gave us extra credit if we friended him on Facebook

Thad: WHAT

Sebastian: why haven’t you unfriended him yet

Kurt: Schadenfreude  
Kurt: He posts himself as his Man Crush Monday every single week  
Kurt: I have him on post notifications

Wes: Sometimes I wonder if that school was even real. How did they not have rules against that???

David: can I friend him??? I want to see this

Kurt: Sure?  
Kurt: Also they probably do have rules against that, Schue just does not care  
Kurt: The man knows no decency, no laws

Wes: How are we going to beat that at Regionals?? The pure lack of restraint is so attractive to judges for some reason

Kurt: I think, Wes, if you start posting pics of yourself for your #mcm you’ll start getting closer to that holy grail of show choir ability

-

**Wes’ Instagram**

4:53  
[image description: Wes’ senior portrait]  
Caption: #mancrushmonday #mcm #selflove… Thank you for the inspiration, New Directions!

COMMENTS:  
Nickyhateschexmix: Love the energy of this  
Rachel.berry.official: The plagiarism of Mr. Schuester’s idea is simply abhorrent. I’m close to unfollowing. 

-

**Kurt and Sebastian’s Text Messages**

Kurt: I hope you know that ND will do an assignment on covers inspired by this mcm debacle  
Kurt: There is no doubt in my MIND

Sebastian: You’re right and you should say it  
Sebastian: In other news, this Saturday

Kurt: yeah?

Sebastian: Our one month anniversary. I was thinking maybe we could cook dinner together? I know that we’re doing C&B on friday so I was was thinking we could stop by the grocery store to get food for the meal

Kurt: Saturday’s our anniversary??

Sebastian: you didn’t know?

Kurt: no?

Sebastian: oof

Kurt: what’s up with the “oof”?

Sebastian: idk that kinda made me feel weird  
Sebastian: It’s stupid

Kurt: it’s not though  
Kurt: i just don’t usually keep track of that sort of thing, but I’m down to celebrate the shit out of one awesome month together

Sebastian: Totally  
Sebastian: I just got worried, I guess?  
Sebastian: I spent a hot minute pining after you and sometimes it still feels unsure about how you feel about me yknow? 

Kurt: I love you. That is exactly how I feel, and I’ll tell you all about it!  
Kurt: thank you for telling me about this though  
Kurt:So I have two things. Number one- I love you so much. Gonna remind you. Number two-I’m totally down, but what if we make saturday an all day thing? C&B and groceries and dinner? So the ingredients are as fresh as possible

Sebastian: that’s so smart! Let’s do it  
Sebastian: as long as we can still hang out on Friday (?)

Kurt: Of course!

-

**Sebastian’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[Image description: the outside of a Crate & Barrel]  
Caption: Twink and Twunk reviews… part 2!!!

Snap 2:  
[video description: Kurt holding up a candle holder, transcript below:  
Sebastian: Okay, what are your thoughts on this one?  
Kurt: I like it, but I think the shine is a bit too much. The silhouette is really nice, though.  
Sebastian: Rate it out of ten, please.  
Kurt: five. Out of ten, I mean.]  
Caption: Twink Reviews: Candleholder number one!

Snap 3:  
[video description: Kurt holding up a candle holder, in a new part of the store, transcript below:  
Kurt: This is it, this is the candle holder, we can leave.  
Sebastian: Woah woah woah, slow your roll, I want a review!  
Kurt: The color is a good match for your house’s dining table, the silhouette is good, it’ll be great at holding candles. Perfect.   
Sebastian: Damn, I was expecting a much more eventful episode of Twink Reviews.]

Snap 4:  
[image description: Kurt, wearing an apron as he’s kneading pasta dough]  
Caption: Twunk Reviews: Pasta from scratch+Hot guy=Perfect night. I’m so happy!!

-

**Sebastian’s Instagram**

8:34  
[image description: Kurt, smiling over the meal, with the candle’s in shot]  
Caption: I’ve been with Kurt Hummel a whole month and I will NOT let anyone forget it

**Kurt’s Instagram**  
8:36  
[first image description: a mirror image of Sebastian’s post, only it’s Sebastian in the shot]  
[second image description: the selfie taken from the night that they got together]  
Caption: submitting myself to the horrifying ordeal of being known was worth it. #bae #onemonth.


	4. Chapter 4

**Glee Group Chat**

Brittany: i think a party would be nice but i won’t go in Rachel’s basement  
Brittany: It goes against my new year’s resolution :/

Quinn: To…. be in a basement??

Brittany: yeah, sry :(

Finn: dw since burt and my mom are gonna b on their antiquing trip most of the party will be on the first floor

Brittany: what are you doing with the basement

Finn: it’s Kurt’s room

Santana: Ooooooh

Finn: What?

Santana: So your parents are out of town and Kurt has a whole basement to himself??? Wanky

Artie: oh shit u rite

Finn: They wouldn’t hook up during a party  
Finn: ….right?

Mercedes: I mean I do NOT want to think of my boy Kurt like that but… they are two attractive teen boys who won’t have the parents in the house. 

Finn: oh god

Tina: time for u to protect kurt’s virtue at all costs i guess

Rachel: I do not think that would be worth the time or energy. If they are both consenting and it’s not making a ruckus, why should Finn get in the way of that?

Artie: to protect Kurt’s virtue  
Artie: Obvi

Santana: What virtue??? I follow his spotify account so I can bully him for his playlists and he has a playlist calls “songs for ****ing”

Quinn: Did you place those asterisks, or did Kurt?

Santana: Kurt

Mercedes: While that title is suggestive, there are plenty of non f-u-c-k letters that can go into those asterisks

-

**Twitter**

Sam Evans @evans.mcconaughey  
Please reply to this tweet with seven letter words ending in “ing” it’s for science

-

**Thad’s Spam Instagram**

5:36  
[image description: screenshot of Sam’s 7-letter word post]  
Caption: what are some flirty responses to this? Because not to be gay but this Sam guy is cUTE and I feel like this might be by chance to really get his attention

COMMENTS:  
Jeffyloveschexmix: Kissing. Fucking. Wedding. Falling. Wanting. Wishing.   
Sebbastard69: you know that if u and Sam hook up Rachel will go insane, right? Like??? Are you aware of the dangers?  
Nickyhateschexmix: reading thru this guy’s replies and everyone is answering romantic things, put something different and interesting. 

-

**Twitter**

Thad Westerson III @thadrights  
@evans.mcconaughey How about inspiring? [fairy emoji] [painting nails emoji]

Sam Evans @evans.mccounaughey  
@thadrights cannot stop thinking about this response

-

**Warbler Group Chat**

Thad: [screenshot of Sam’s reply]  
Thad: we did it boys  
Thad: I’m about to snag myself a New Direction

Kurt: New Direction and a Nude Erection, two birds one stone

Sebastian: Thad… do you realize that Sam’s response doesn’t…. You??? He’s obsessed with the fact that you think “inspiring” has seven words in it and that you said it with those emojis after it

Thad: it’s called a slow burn  
Thad: What matters is that I have his attention

Wes: I don’t understand.

Kurt: Gay mating rituals are complex

Sebastian: We call them gayting rituals in the community

Thad: I’ve been bi my whole life and I’ve never heard “gayting rituals”

Kurt: Sebastian never said which community

Sebastian: Yeah thad, get off my dick

Thad: Sorry, that’s Sam’s job [painting nails emoji]

David: Thad… you realize that makes no fucking sense right

Nick: same energy as the “why would she be screaming her own last name” scene from The Office

Kurt: In other news!!! The Hudmels will be throwing a house party and most of y’all are invited

Wes: Who isn’t invited?

Blaine: Don’t make him say it  
Blaine: I’m already having a rough day

Kurt: Sorry

Sebastian: woohoo now that this has been made sufficiently awkward  
Sebastian: I’d like to brighten up the mood and restart the convo by announcing that there will, indeed, be a karaoke machine at the party

Trent: Okay. Who’s gonna do it. Who’s going to step up to the plate. Who’s gonna sing “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” with me.

Nick: Bro you can easily carry that song by yourself why do you insist on a duet partner every single time

Trent: there’s just something about the inherent homoeroticism of a duet that I feel like enhances the performance

Jeff: What if a girl sang it with you

Trent: idk i’d probably turn str8 on impact

Sebastian: Str8 Trent would be terrifying

Trent: and it can be avoided if one of y’all do the duet with me

Kurt: I can?

Sebastian: If ur not busy

Kurt: yeah you should probably get a backup

Jeff: ………… so are we not going to talk about that or

Blaine: I’d rather not :)

-

**Finn’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[image description: black screen]  
Caption: swipe up if you have tips for how to greatly decrease the number of hookups happening at your party

Snap 2:  
[image description: selfie of Finn doing an exaggerated frowning face]  
Caption: hey, everybody who has swiped up and said that the best way would be for me to walk around shirtless, which would turn off everyone? None of y’all are funny I’m looking for REAL ADVICE

-

**Kurt and Sebastian’s Text Messages**

Kurt: Can’t believe the warblers are going to be spending the party thinking about or sex life

Sebastian: I believe in the power of the New Directions to distract them from how good our basement makeout session is going

Kurt: I just feel like Wes is gonna look at me weird  
Kurt: I cannot imagine him being chill about stuff like that

Sebastian: I’m sure there are more layers to him tho  
Sebastian: I think if he has one beer we will see that change so quickly  
Sebastian: i bet that man becomes a Casanova when drunk

Kurt: That is an intriguing possibility

Sebastian: I wonder if he even drinks

Kurt: No idea  
Kurt: We’ll just have to see

Sebastian: When two worlds collide….

Kurt: God help the Warblers  
Kurt: The last ND+alcohol party we had was genuinely crazy  
Kurt: as someone who generally tries to avoid drinking, being the only sober person in that room was hilarious  
Kurt: But we better jet before spin the bottle happens

Sebastian: As fun of a time as it sounds to be sitting next to you watching all of our friends make out, I’m alright with being nowhere near that dumpster fire

Kurt: Good for us!

Sebastian: Hell yeah!

-

**Kurt’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[video description: A pan-over of the Hudmel’s first floor, where Finn is busy putting vases away]  
Caption: Party-Proofing the House!!!

Snap 2:  
[image description: A selfie of Kurt looking totally mortified]  
Caption: My dad goes antiquing for ONE WEEKEND and Finn decides to give me “The Talk” oh my GOD

Snap 3:  
[Video description: a pan-over of the newly party-proofed house]  
Caption: Mission accomplished and it only included one really awkward conversation!

-

**Tina’s Tiktok**

[video description: High aesthetic makeup video to a pop song]  
Caption: Makeup look for @falwfat’s party. Yes he and I are friends, yes he and Sebastian are that cute in real life, and yes I will post a video of them being cute together

COMMENTS:  
Kinzy.cosplay: I love that you’re talking abt him like he’s famous, he has less followers than u  
Strawberrysweetie: omg i love falwfat tell him he’s my fav  
User3948572: the world is small but Tina’s bde isn’t

[video description: a bustling party, focused on Kurt having a conversation with Sebastian, sitting on his lap on the Hudmel couch, transcript below:  
Tina: There they are. Look at them. No idea what they’re talking about, but I’m obsessed. God I wish that were me.]

COMMENTS:  
Jane.gayzey: this could be us but u playin   
Strawberrysweetie: did u tell him he’s my fav??  
Tina.on.tiktok: @strawberrysweetie yes ma’am!!!

-

**Artie’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[image description: picture of his red solo cup]  
Caption: idk why everyone is so mean to tequila, shit shit ain’t bad. For legal reasons this is a joke.

Snap 2:  
[video description: Wes and Rachel singing “Everybody Talks” by the Neon Trees on karaoke]  
Caption: when the two glee club presidents sing a duet [heart eyes emoji]

Snap 3:  
[image description: Wes and Rachel, still singing the song]  
Caption: nvm i’m getting freshman year flashbacks, i think rachel has a type

Snap 4:  
[video description: Kurt and Sebastian doing a reprisal of “Lay All Your Love on Me”]  
Caption: LEGENDS ONLY

-

**Glee Group Chat**

Tina: jstu spotted: kurt and sebastian going omtp tje naselekt

Mercedes: what

Tina: into the basement  
Tina: yess gut it  
Tina: why is typeing while drunk so harrrrrrd

Santana: I said it once I’;; say it agaon/. Wanku

Mercedes: WANKU

Finn: Why are drunk people like this. I can hear you from across the house laughing about wanku.

-

**Trent’s Spam Instagram**

10:39  
[image description: a picture of the circle of people on the floor of the hudmel living room]  
Caption: Everyone’s talking about our favorite “walking in on Kurt and Sebastian making out” stories and I can FEEL the suggestion of spin the bottle coming up. I can sense it.

-

**David’s Snapchat**

Snap 1:  
[video description: Everyone sitting in a circle and looking at Jeff, who’s telling his story. Transcript below:  
Jeff: No seriously! Full tongue hockey, no shit!   
Nick: No no no- that was on you. You opened the door to Sebastian’s room, they just caught you slipping.  
Jeff: It was a Warbler sleepover, I wanted to know where they were!  
Mercedes: You didn’t even knock?  
Jeff: I wasn’t thinking! It was, what, 3am?   
Nick: It was 3am, they were mysteriously absent, and we were at Sebastian’s house. I repeat: they caught you slipping!]  
Caption: About to start chanting “spin the bottle” but first wanted to capture this beauty

-

**Kurt and Finn’s Text Messages**

Kurt: What the fuck is going on up there

Finn: I don’t even know I checked out mentally like 30 minutes ago

Kurt: Why are people yelling so loud

Finn: i think they’re probably just excited about spin the bottle

Kurt: omg who’s kissed  
Kurt: That was Sebastian, he took my phone. I (Kurt) couldn’t care less

Finn: Uhh from what I’ve heard the only interesting matchup was Wes and Rachel, apparently they did some serious making out

Kurt: ew

Finn: How’s the uhh party down there

Kurt: p goof. We’re watching grey’s anatomy.

Finn: wait really  
Finn: everyone made it sound like you two were going to be hooking up

Kurt: no comment  
Kurt: THAT WAS SEBASTIAN  
Kurt: but as Kurt I’d like to say that we are very much not going to be talking about hooking up <3

Finn: thanks lil bro  
Finn: <3

Kurt: So proud of you for not using the emoji  
Kurt: [heart emoji]  
Kurt: Sorry that was Sebastian again, I’m just gonna shut him up by making him pay attention to the Grey’s Anatomy plot points  
Kurt: When he gets into it he won’t have the brain space to think about stealing my phone and ruining my reputation via emoji

Finn: whatever works for u lmao


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all leave such nice comments and it’s so good for inspiration and I’d like to thank people who’ve left comments bc the motivation it gives me got y’all this chapter

**New Directions Group Chat**

Sam: put me in bi idiot jail

Mercedes: Okay, on it

Rachel: What prompts this message, Sam?

Tina: half of y’all belong in bi idiot jail

Artie: can I be in bi genius jail?

Tina: No. Just because you simp for leftist youtubers doesn’t make you a genius bi

Artie: But they are so hot Tina you don’t get it  
Artie: The way they say “Marx” gets me every time Tina  
Artie: Im genius bi don’t leave me on read

Brittany: it’s spelled Marks <3

Quinn: Sam, you don’t need to go to bi idiot jail, I’m sure whoever your new crush isn’t that bad

Sam: Quinn I’m gonna let you down so hard here  
Sam: remember the guy who responded “inspiring” to my ****ing tweet?

Mercedes: oh dear lord

Sam: He’s so cute you guys  
Sam: and he listens to the same music

Rachel: Ooh! Does he live in Ohio?

Sam: okay so the funny thing  
Sam: he does

Rachel: Yay Sam!!!

Sam: and he’s actually in the warblers

Rachel: How dare you? I got excited, and you’re in love with a SPY? I hate you. Get off this chat.

Quinn: calm down rach i’m sure this kid isn’t a spy. What’s his name

Sam: Thad

Quinn: okay now that’s where I draw the fucking line. Rachel is right. Get out. You’re in bi idiot jail.

Tina: y’all have some weird dealbreakers

Artie: you ghosted a girl because you didnt like her analysis of the great gatsby, you can’t judge dealbreakers

Tina: LiStEn it was really bad  
Tina: but seriously i support you sam!!! If he’s also bi, then you can be bi idiots together!

Santana: That shit’s dangerous tho  
Santana: Two idiots in love can cause some serious damage  
Santana: One minute you’re bonding over your bad SAT scores and the next you have a burning Denny’s in front of you and sirens blaring behind you

Finn: Wait is that why the Denny’s burned down

Puck: No Comment.

Rachel: Did you… burn down the Denny’s with a paramour?

Puck: No comment

-

**Rachel and Kurt’s Texts**

Rachel: I’m pretty sure that Puck burned down the Denny’s.

Kurt: Ma’am I was just making out with my boyfriend my head is not clear enough for this info

Rachel: Tell Sebastian hello from me!

Kurt: Sebastian says hello back. What leads you to think that Puck burned down the Denny’s???

Rachel: [screenshot]  
Rachel: This.

Kurt: Sebastian thinks it’s a joke, and I trust his judgement  
Kurt: He has knowledge of delinquents

Rachel: But the timing is perfect! The Denny’s burned down just in the middle of Puck at his most criminal…

Kurt: Congrats now Sebastian is trying to crack the case…. We were having a good time but nooooo now he’s gonna be a detective

Rachel: It’s my influence.

Kurt: :,(

-

**Twitter**

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
HEY what do you guys know about the Denny’s burning down in Lima I’m asking for a friend

Santana Lopez @satanlopez234  
@sebastard.official Nothing :(

Tina Cohen-Chang @tina.cohen.cool  
@sebastard.official what’s a Denny’s

Lauren Zizes @h0tterthang0d  
@sebastard.official Keep your nose out of places where it doesn’t belong rich boy

David Grant @juicyfruit010  
@sebastard.official The defensiveness in ur replies is astounding and very entertaining to me

Willian Schuester @the-douchester  
When your students 4get burning down the Denny’s 2gether even after we had a week of assignments about it [weary emoji]

ACTUAL Willian Schuester @realwilliamschuester  
Please ignore the students’ parody accounts. The New Directions did NOT burn down the Lima Denny’s.

-

**National Show Choir Board’s Facebook**

Update: In today’s edition of announcements we never thought we’d have to make: if your show choir participated in arson, you cannot participate in Regionals this year.

COMMENTS:  
Sebastian Smythe: Lima is really on some fuck shit you guys  
Rachel Berry: As the captain of the club that is currently being accused of arson, this is a blatantly untrue rumor being spread by our competition.  
Jesse St. James: Former ND member here- this would be very in character for them, but for the sake of any NSCB investigation, they are very prone to jokes and general tomfoolery, do be wary of any sensationalist statements on behalf of the more comedically-inclined members. I’d recommend putting more stock in the testimony of members like Rachel Berry, or Mercedes Jones.  
Giselle Thomas: the way that jesse is STILL simping is so funny  
Jesse St. James: I am NOT simping. This is honest advice.  
Kurt Hummel: The “St.” stands for simp. If your initials have an s in them that’s signalling for being a simp  
Sebastian Smythe: :0

-

**Warbler Group Chat**

David: People don’t need cable anymore when the New Direction’s social media accounts are free to access

Wes: ...do you guys actually think they committed arson together?

Sebastian: If they did, Rachel had no idea. But also? Knowing them? It’s possible

Thad: Do you think sam did arson??? Bc then the fire emojis i keep using to comment on his ig pics might start being interpreted incorrectly

Trent: Maybe start using heart emojis instead?

Thad: not horny enough

Sebastian: Just do what I do with kurt’s insta

Kurt: I haven’t posted anything in like a year  
Kurt: oh my god is this about you going through all my old pictures and commenting “first”

Sebastian: Yes

Thad: it would get his attention  
Thad: IM GONNA DO IT

Wes: How have you all gotten so far in dating you are all so stupid

-

**New Directions Group Chat**

Sam: what does it mean if a guy goes on all of ur insta posts and comments “first”

Mercedes: ...was he first?

Sam: No

Rachel: I’m sorry. Samuel, but we are currently in crisis mode. Now is not the best time to seek out advice on your love life.

Tina: no no i wanna help him

Brittany: it means he wants to be first in ur lyfe

Sam: that makes sense… but are you sure he feels that way???

Quinn: HOW does that make sense

Santana: It’s a metaphor!!! Brittany is on queen shit (as per usual)

Quinn: I know you ;love her but that makes no sense.

Brittany: but im in ap english

Quinn: our school doesnt have ap english

Brittany: what???

Finn: Bro just make the move!!! Even if his name is thad i bet he likes you

Sam: thad is a perfectly fine name 

Mercedes: Your standards are different <3

Sam: im built different 

-

**Twitter**

Sam Evans @evans.mccounaughey  
Hey @thadrights let’s go on a date

Thad Westerson III @thadrights  
@evans.mccounaughey BRO I thought you’d never ask 

Quinn Fabray @quinnfabulous  
Use dms next time, but I’m happy for you two

Thad Westerson III @thadrights  
I liked the way he did it though [pouting emoji]

Sam Evans @evans.mccounaughey  
Yeah quinn make ur own asking out post

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
Can I make an asking out post or does only Quinn have permission

Thad Westerson III @thadrights  
Go ahead simp

Sebastian Smythe @sebastard.official  
@kurtelizabethhummel babe………. what if we went on a date 

Kurt Hummel @kurtelizabethhummel  
Being asked out in the replies of a post of mutual friends where they agree to go on a date is…. an experience you guys


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just,,,, chaos

**Group Chat: Kurt, Rachel, Sebastian, Mercedes**

Rachel: I am having a huge gay crisis.

Mercedes: Why am i in this group chat

Rachel: Because you and I have similar talent levels which I believe offers an added level of understanding to my plight.

Mercedes: I’d ask questions but that makes exactly as much sense as ur usual stuff so I guess I’ll stick around?

Sebastian: Gay crisis?

Rachel: Well, more like a bisexual crisis of the highest magnitude. 

Kurt: Do share.

Rachel: Brittany and Santana invited me to join a “throuple”. And Wes asked me out. And Jesse wants me back.

Sebastian: DAMN Rachel GET SOME

Rachel: That is not helpful.

Kurt: Wes asked you out?

Rachel: Our kiss at your party seems to have stuck in his mind.

Sebastian: What’s Jesse’s deal?

Rachel: Well, we were doing our monthly custody exchange of Clare, and he expressed to me and interest in rekindling our romance.

Mercedes: i feel like we really aren’t focusing enough on the lesbian throuple part of this enough

Sebastian: Who’s Clare??? Are you a teen mom too?????? Did I just miss this?

Kurt: Oh god please no please don’t get her started

Rachel: Clare is the Care Bear that Jesse and I co-parent. We’re very devoted to her. Finn didn’t quite understand, and I worry that neither will Wes or… Brittana?   
Rachel: We call it cobearenting. 

Mercedes: How much upkeep could a stuffed animal possible require

Rachel: You’d be surprised. 

Sebastian: Rachel Berry are you secretly a stud??????

Rachel: No. I’m just very pretty and exceedingly emotionally available, which I think has given many people the impression that I’d be a good partner… and clearly, I have a difficult choice to make. I could join a throuple, rekindle a romance with a national show choir superstar, or pursue a new cause with someone with whom I have minimal history.

Kurt: Well the answer is obvious

Sebastian: Clearly

Rachel: Okay, then, what’s the obvious answer

Mercedes: Go for the new guy

Sebastian: Jesse

Kurt: Throuple!!!

Rachel: Oh no.  
Rachel: So it isn’t obvious.

Sebastian: I guess not.

-

**Twitter**

**Wes Montgomery @wesgoeswest  
Fellas, is it a bad sign if you ask a girl out and she just responds with “TBD”???**

**Thad Westerson III @thadrights  
Uhhh…. Yes?**

**Wes Montgomery @wesgoeswest  
I’m so confused :( What does it all mean????**

**Thad Westerson III @thadrights  
Who was the lady? **

**Wes Montgomery @wesgoeswest  
You’ll never know <3**

**-**

****Jesse St. James’ Instagram** **

**4:09  
[image description: a collage of Clare the Bear, in various outfits, including tap shoes]  
Caption: Clare had a long flight, but luckily her second favorite bear-ent was there to hold her hand on the plane!**

**COMMENTS:  
joey.st.james: i’m so fucking glad for you that the airline didn’t let you buy her a ticket. Genuinely grateful on your behalf.  
jessestjamesofficial: That’s why I bought two tickets for myself, so she could sit in the seat next to me.   
Gisellexhawkins: Jesse? You look insane. You realize that, right? Like… You understand that?  
Rachelberryofficial: Oh, come on… you are SO her favorite bear-ent.  
Andreacohen456: you know therapy is covered by most health insurance right???**

**-**

****Warbler Group Chat** **

**Sebastian: Currently obsessed with Jesse St. James’ Instagram.**

**Wes: Take your obsession with my romantic rival somewhere else, please.**

**Blaine: Huh, I didn’t know the people in this group were capable of doing that.**

**Thad: Shut up Blaine this is about Jesse/Rachel/Wes/other people(?)**

**Sebastian: Yes, there are other people involved.**

**Kurt: I went to school with Jesse for a few months and I can promise you he’s like that in person too, and it’s ten times worse when you’re his friend  
Kurt: One time he texted me this exact quote:  
Kurt: _I’ve always to adopt a pigeon walk him around town on a leash… sorry if that’s oversharing._**

**David: I’m obsessed with this man**

**Kurt: One time he told me that he was considering minoring in the art of seduction  
Kurt: I don’t think he was joking**

**Wes: Is this supposed to be making me feel better or worse???**

**Sebastian: If it’s any consolation, Wes, his most recent post is clearly just to remind Rachel of a reason she should pick him.  
Sebastian: Devoted parents, and whatnot.**

**Wes: Clare is at a good age for introducing a second father figure in her life, though!  
Wes: I’ve read up on this.**

**Thad: Wait he and Rachel have a kid????**

**Kurt: No, this is about a stuffed animal.**

**David: Wes I don’t know how to tell you that Clare won’t suffer psychological issues by having divorced parents when she doesn’t have a brain in the first place**

**Wes: Watch your mouth, that’s my prospective stepdaughter.**

**David: IT'S A STUFFED CARE BEAR**

**Sebastian: Wes you made a 1540 on your SAT how are you this attached to a stuffed bear**

**Kurt: As someone who was paid real money to babysit Clare, I can give you tips**

**Trent: Every single thing about this conversation terrifies me**

**-**

****Kurt and Sebastian’s Private Text Messages** **

**Sebastian: I’m laughing so hard at all of this**

**Kurt: ME TOO  
Kurt: Rachel spent so much time being bullied and called undesirable and now she’s got THIS  
Kurt: And no player in it is sane either**

**Sebastian: What if we went on a double date  
Sebastian: Us, her, Jesse, and Wes  
Sebastian: We can also invite Brittany and Santana  
Sebastian: And just have them duke it out…**

**Kurt: That’s evil.  
Kurt: I kind of love it.**

**Sebastian: When he even enjoys it when you’re evil…**

**Kurt: I can’t help but like some schemes!  
Kurt: And I feel like one that highlights people liking her would be a good balance from the time Rachel asked for a makeover so she could woo Finn so I tried to make her look the opposite of what Finn would’ve wanted**

**Sebastian: ?????? Really?**

**Kurt: Finn said she looked like a “sad clown hooker” :(**

**Sebastian: Was this sophomore year for you???**

**Kurt: Yeah  
Kurt: Peak petty bitch phase**

**Sebastian: At least no laws were broken?  
Sebastian: Illegal schemes can be a MESS  
Sebastian: In middle school i started a massive scam and got into so much trouble for it**

**Kurt: A massive scam?**

**Sebastian: I started a pyramid scheme  
Sebastian: It was about those little silly band bracelets, I had people join my “company” on commission with money working its way up  
Sebastian: I made $50 **

**Kurt: Oh my god  
Kurt: You were like… A Pup of Wall Street  
Kurt: Not old enough to be a Wolf **

**Sebastian: My dad made me pay everyone back with the money I hadn’t spent on gum :(**

**Kurt: Wait a rich boy faced consequences????**

**Sebastian: Yeah, even I’m not sure how that got pulled off.  
Sebastian: It was funny though**

**Kurt: Damn. When I was a kid I just got in trouble for being fruity.  
Kurt: And by fruity I mean that I would bite kids who told me that their dads said they shouldn’t talk to me**

**Sebastian: ICONIC  
Sebastian: I mean not for those kids but just as a thing about you  
Sebastian: Also I’m booking a reservation at Breadstix for seven**

**Kurt: Breadstix does reservations?**

**Sebastian: They think it’s silly when I do so they give me better service bc I made them laugh**

**Kurt: Smart**

**-**

****Group Chat: Kurt, Sebastian, Rachel, Jesse, Wes, Brittany, Santana** **

**[Sebastian created a group chat]**

**Sebastian: I got us a table for seven at Breadstix this Friday :)**

**Rachel: And what in the world compelled you to do that for all of us?**

**Santana: Are you paying?**

**Sebastian: Yes!**

**Santana: I’m in.**

**Rachel: SANTANA I am NOT going on a seven-way date!**

**Sebastian: Me and Kurt aren’t even trying to date you we just want to watch you all talk to each other like it’s Big Brother**

**Brittany: But I’m an only child**

**Jesse: I, for one, am never one to shy away from a challenge. All my romantic rivals in one room? I can handle it.**

**Wes: Well now that I feel like it’s a challenge, I need to participate.**

**Brittany: Can I go too?**

**Kurt: Yes, you are invited**

**Jesse: So… before the dinner, should we play a few icebreakers?**

**Rachel: If we need to do this dinner, then some icebreakers would be a good idea.**

**-**

****Sebastian’s Instagram** **

**7:13  
[image description: a selfie of him and Kurt in a booth]  
Caption: Never thought I’d want to pop popcorn for a visit to Breadstix before… the drama gays have BROUGHT IT**

**-**

****Wes’ Instagram** **

**7:25  
[image description: a renaissance-like picture of the group posing, crowded on one side of the table and caught in chaos. Rachel is laughing so hard she’s bent over the table, Kurt and Sebastian are doing odd model poses, Brittany is eating a breadstick as if nothing is going on, and Wes is the only one posing normally,]  
Caption: Santana took the picture right after asking me for a list of every person I’ve ever been wronged by. Still a bit worried about this.**

**-**

****Jesse’s Instagram** **

**9:56  
[image description: Him, Rachel, Wes, Santana, and Brittany doing the Breakfast Club pose behind Breadstix]  
Caption: Clare has 3 new Step-Bearents now!**

**-**

****New Directions Group Chat** **

**Santana: who had rachel picks up 4 SOs in one night on their bingo cards for the year**

**Mercedes: ????? Literally nobody.**

**Rachel: I’m a wild card.**

**Brittany: Like in uno! She’s also pretty :)**

**Sam: Woah like a mormon??? AWESOME**

**Quinn: No, that’s polygamy, and not many Mormons actually practice it.  
Quinn: I’m assuming Rachel’s engaging in polyamory.**

**Rachel: That is correct, Quinn!**

**Artie: wait so u can just do that?????????**

**Rachel: Very much so!**

**Artie: im boutta go off u guys**

**Tina: i highly doubt it.**

**Artie: :0**

**Author's Note:**

> i take prompts! if u want more in this universe, please tell me! I adore feedback and will give my firstborn child to anyone who gives me a compliment!


End file.
